Scientist discovers being a dog’ is key to reducing stress
An expert in making people worry about dying believes she’s found a new weapon to combat one of Britain’s most prolific killers. By concentrating a bit harder on becoming a member of the canine family, the public could avoid stress altogether, according to her report.
Modern life gives people far too many things to worry about,’ claims Dr Nigella Gresley. But it may already be too late for some of us to go back and do things differently. By evolving into multi-celled organisms, eventually adopting the class Mammalia’ and going on to develop self-awareness and a fear of looking a bit fat in a cocktail dress, humans have a lot of ground to make up if they’re to devolve back to dog levels of insane, care-free frivolity.’
I tried attaching our state-of-the-art stress monitoring equipment to a beagle.’ explained Gresley. Unfortunately, it tried to fight it, mate with it and then bury it in the garden.’ This behaviour is of course a coping mechanism’ according to the scientist. And it works: Jimbo never cries himself to sleep or clenches his paws in frustrated rage.’ said Gresley. Even if the neighbours garden is a disgrace, or there are clues that his owner’s husband MIGHT BE HAVING AN AFFAIR.’
Gresley has other evidence that being a member of the Family Canidae is better for you, having now spent many evenings at home, with nothing for company other than a pair of spaniels. They’re just as capable as anyone of polishing off a whole tub of ice-cream while they watch Bridget Jones,’ she theorised, but astonishingly, in the morning they don’t seem to exhibit any symptoms at all of self-loathing, regret or CHECKING MIKE’S TEXT MESSAGES AND VOICEMAIL.’
Gresley believes more research is needed into how becoming a completely different species might improve people’s lives, especially if they can’t face another messy divorce. There’s a lot to be said for throwing yourself into a life as an animal, particularly when you work out how much time you’ve wasted with a SELFISH, SELF-CENTRED PIG, in dog years,’ she wailed.
The not-bad-looking-considering-what-she’s-been-through doctor has sworn to lose a few pounds and get her hair done before repeating the experiment. And then we’ll be looking further afield to check on the stresses endured by other animals, but we’re expecting to confirm our earlier results,’ she suggested. Apparently, there are plenty more fish out there in the sea, and most of them are really, really happy.’
(thanks to my new friend NewsBiscuit)